Who knows if this is the day our mini would have come, but it is the day we anticipated their arrival.
We won’t be meeting our first mini. We don’t know if we will ever have a mini.
I have the most amazing husband and I definitely couldn’t go through this without him. But, it’s still the loneliest thing I’ve experienced.
I know a significant amount of people who have had this struggle, fortunately they are all on the other side now. Honestly though? It doesn’t make me feel better. I still feel alone. I still feel a mountain of sadness. I’m still scared.
Just over three years ago Mike and I decided to stop preventing pregnancy. I was still in PT school so we weren’t “trying” per se, but we were going to happy if it happened. Time went on and we never conceived.
About a year and a half ago, we looked into finding out why we weren’t getting pregnant. It turns out I wasn’t ovulating. I had regular periods but never ovulated. I was put on Clomid to induce ovulation and was monitored to make sure it was working. It was.
After our third cycle on clomid, we found out we were pregnant!!! We were excited but cautious, apparently for good reason. 10 weeks into it we finally decided to buy some things. Then it went downhill.
We went in for our first ultrasound, when we were supposed to hear the heart beat. There wasn’t a heartbeat. There wasn’t a growing baby either. The doctors ran some tests and the results indicated my body was undergoing the early stages of a miscarriage. I had three options. 1. They could go in and remove “the tissue” 2. I could take some pills that would force the elimination of “the tissue” 3. I could wait to have it happen naturally, but only for a week.
I opted to wait. The first two options didn’t really seem like options to me. That night/the next morning I miscarried. Physically, my periods are worse so thanks for that preparation. Emotionally, nothing can prepare you and nothing can comfort you. There’s more I could say here but really, I don’t want to. I do want everyone to know how great Mike was that night. He was in the bathroom with me, holding my hand, rubbing my back, racking his brain trying to figure out what he could do to help, how he could take my pain away. He was hurting too. He was amazing, obviously I could have “done it without him” but it would have been worse. The days and weeks and months after would have been worse. I’m so grateful I didn’t have to do it without him.
I had to wait for my cycle to return before we could continue trying to make a mini. It didn’t take long, so that was nice.
The doctors decided to double my dosage of clomid. Nothing happened on the first cycle. They decided we needed to move to IUI – intrauterine insemination.
If you want to know more about the most invasive and impersonal experience, let me know. We can talk.
We did IUI with HCG trigger and clomid twice. Still nothing.
Now we are here. Meeting the day we had hoped to greet our mini but instead, it’s just another day. We’ve done another cycle of IUI and we’re in the holding pattern for a couple of weeks. Long before we even knew we would have this struggle we had decided (with the option to change our minds) that we didn’t want to do IVF. As of right now, we still don’t. We’re told we can do IUI up to 3 more times and then we can further discuss our options. The rest is us working on trusting God and His timing.
I’m not sure what we are trusting Him to do. Bless us with a mini? Take the desire to have a baby away? It’s hard. I’m a hard worker, a goal oriented person, an achiever. I can’t do this. This is not in my control. I can’t work harder to make it happen, I can’t make a plan to reach this goal, I can’t take the steps to reach the achievement. I have to give it to God. I wish I knew what I was asking for and what the answer is going to be. I wish a lot of things.
I do not wish for this to be anyone else’s story, but it is. And so, I write this for you. To take away some of your loneliness and despair. I can’t take away your pain or heartache, just like no one can take away mine. I have no advice for you. All the advice I get makes me want to punch people in the throat. I am happy to listen and talk about it though. If we are all alone in this, well, we’re together in that.
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